OH MY GOD!! WHAT IN SWEET MARY HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? WHY ARE YOU NAKED? WHY IS THE SUN SO BRIGHT? WHY, WHY, WHY!?!?!?!?!?
Okay, okay, you’re home… that’s good. You’re in your own bed… even better. But sweet mother what was once housed by a thin candy shell is now exploding with the force of Dante’s Peak. Guess what, you had fun last night but the fun is knocking, wanting to collect payment on the abuse you did to your body last night. You know what it is, it’s happened before, and with every year of your life that slips by, it gets that much worse. You’re hungover.
Were last night’s antics worth it? Is the pain you’re feeling right now level the playing field on any sort of fun you may have had? Or maybe you’re over the age of 26 and are quickly learning that one drink might send you down the long lonely road of misery. What can be done to fight the battle? What have scientists come up with on the spare time away from the labs of fighting more pressing issues? But maybe the real question as you lay in bed pondering the obstacles of life, what is out in the kitchen that is going to help and granted that you probably didn’t plan ahead, where and how can you get the necessary supplies to save the day?
One thing you have and can obtain within a few steps of bed is water. A hangover is essentially an exasperated state of dehydration. All those liquids you were drinking last night were really deterring you from any VIP second half performance. So, get out of bed… walk, crawl or even skip, but get to the tap and start chugging H20. Drink as much as your belly can handle and then drink another 3 glasses. It may not be the tastiest remedy or the most fun to force on yourself, but it’s free and readily available in your home.
As most late nights tend to involve making plans for the next day that may or may not happen, one commonly believed cure for the hangover is brunch. Brunch brings an arsenal of combatants and a probable table full of like-minded individuals. Pending the restaurant of choice, the menu should offer a variety of options to what you think will bring the good graces back upon yourself.
The bloody mary, maria, geisha is the Hair of the Dog of the brunch world. It’s got the kick of vodka, tequila, or sake to reactivate your past drunk or prolong the forthcoming nightmares of the hangover. The spices help to excite the mind towards other directions and the V8 like juice packs a boost of nutrients that your body has been looking for since you closed your eyes. And pending on the bartender, your bloody could come as a meal on its own. But if tomato juice is not your jam, you certainly have the option to go down the road with a nice Screwdriver, Mimosa, Bellini, beer or whatever your palate is seeking. The point of the hair of the dog is fight fire with fire and sip on something that isn’t going to have you running to the porcelain.
Next on the docket is the food you deem as the Sir Lancelot to battle off the omens of the eve. You can take your order any which you like, though tales seem to lead to the greasier spoon to bring the pearly whites back to the public eye. Truly the options are endless and after years of practice, you know what works but if by somehow this is your first hangover a few go-tos… biscuits and gravy, chilaquiles, any variation of a breakfast sandwich or burrito and if you ever find yourself in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, Creekside’s Waffelaughagus is a combination of gut bombing, hangover battling, you’re going to need a nap real soon deliciousness. However, grease is grease and there is no reason that you can’t roll through the drive through at Mcdonalds for the what she order, fish fillet or your token real dirty taco shop for a burrito or the coveted back pocket sleeper that no one knows you go to, but the spot knows just how you like your double chili dog topped with Fritos, a fried egg and with a side of crispy smashed poblano potatoes. You already feel terrible, this is no time to feel bad about what you’re eating, and tomorrow you can hit the gym to work it off… maybe.
Food aside and beyond water, there are a few other liquid remedies. Where coffee will stimulate the senses and Pedialyte was meant to be for the kids, both add a nice refresher to the ensuing battle. Yes, one will and can argue that coffee will add to the dehydration, but it just tastes so darn good… hot, iced or with a little flavor savor of grampa’s old cough medicine is a pretty spectacular way to start the day. As Pedialyte sales have been increasing amongst adults, whether you indulge before, during, or after the party starts is up to you. Some have been known to get the night started with a mixed Pedialyte and vodka, which seems to make sense and with a variety of Pedialyte flavors its only a matter of time before they are bottled and sold together. And beyond the mixer, keeping a bottle at the bedside or in the fridge for a morning supplement is a sure fire way to get the day started. Pedialyte’s sole purpose is to rehydrate and though your head is probably rattling like an Arizona Diamondback, chugging a big boys portion of this flavored hydrant will get you back on track and ready for brunch.
Crazy to think that by 2019 there is still yet to be a defying product to battle the hangover. Yes, the world does have a few other issues to attend to, but cmon now, at least we were promised flying cars by now. Regardless, the medical world has given a few remedies to battle the self-inflicted pain. Keep Advil handy and visible by the sink so you see it as your hopefully brushing your teeth before you fall face first into the pillow. Popping a few before bed with a glass or two of water could and will do wonders for your life when the sun breaks through the blinds. And when you rise, if it’s instant sorrows, pop a few more and then return to the fetal position. And please keep in mind that we are not doctors, we are not subscribing popping pills and that you should use Advil and similar pain relievers the recommended use on the label.
You know who is and you know what he’s smoking, but if you don’t, not really sure where to go from here. But for the rest of you, if you’ve indulged in natures creations (now with a little help of us humans) then you know the benefits of the wake and bake, smoke and pancake, pipe and crepe, bong and a blintz, and/or a j and cup of joe. Let’s spelled it out, weed is a pretty phenomenal deterrent to the hangover or at least it works to trick your body into thinking everything is going to be okay for a little while. Better yet, as the days pass by the illegal nature of the green leaf continues to fade away and society is becoming more and more acceptable of putting smoke in the air. And on a Sunday morning when death seems to be knocking on your door, a hit or two should help fight the battle but use it as a gateway to water, coffee, greasy food and more movies watched in a day than should be allowed.
If weed is not your thing, well if THC is not your thing then there are alternatives. Funny enough there is a company named Sunday Scaries that is leading the fight against hangovers, stress, anxiety and all those little bad bits of life with the powers of CBD. They come in a gummy bear form, amongst a few other varieties, but chomping down a few of these bears will ease the mind, settle the stomach and prep you for just about anything that might come your way. And the best part, it’s all CBD and no THC, which means bring on the drug tests cause they won’t be a problem.
Certainly the least appetizing of options, but it doesn’t mean they can’t be beneficial. It’s hard enough to consider getting out of bed when Mount St. Helens is erupting within the confines of your cranium, but the first step towards the porcelain or outdoors could be your best fighting chance. Getting outside for a good sweat will do wonders for your psyche as you’ll be extruding the toxins from your body. There will probably be a few moments during your exercising where you’ll have to pull over, bend at the waist and fight back the emptiness of your stomach that is quickly nearing NASA’s 10, 9, 8, 7 countdown to liftoff. But, whatever you do, when it’s done you’re going to feel so much better – promise.
No matter when your first hangover came, you’ve probably had more than you’d like to remember, but the question remains, every time you head out for drinks or pop down on the couch with a couple of cold ones, you know what may be waiting for you when you open your eyes. But rarely, if ever does it ever deter you from your actions. You should have fun, we want you to have fun and after year’s of practice, one can only hope that you’ve dialed in your own concoction of remedies. Some will favor the glass of water over a breakfast cocktail or a turkey club over a bowl of granola, the point is you need to know that when your hangover comes a knocking that there options to help the fight. But, every now and again there is a force so great that no remedy will save the day and all we can do is wish you the best of luck. And even more fun, with the year’s passing by it seems that the hangover has found a way to surpass the former few hours of pain and evolve into a 2 to 3-day phenomenon. Best you can do is to be prepared and assume the hangover will come the next day… Cool Ranch Doritos with a Spinach Artichoke Dip is fantastic in the time of need.
Common Alternatives
- Gatorade
- Hangover Tonic
- Fountain Soda
- Salt and Vinegar Chips or bag of chips to your liking
- Big ole double burger topped with fried egg
- Pizza, pizza, pizza
- Casual bike ride
- Any buffet, but Souplantation is pretty solid
- Monte Cristo with a side of Spam hash
- It’s okay, Taco Bell has a place in everyone’s life
- A whole hell of a lot of Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
- Rewatching entire 24 series – Jack will find the bomb and save you
- A long walk on the beach, around the neighborhood or to 7-11
- The Rabbit Hole
“I woke up naked on top of my covers, Office reruns still playing and a frozen pizza in the oven, still kind of frozen.” — said a lot of people.