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Toothpastes that don’t suck

  • February 27, 2019
  • Dopp Kit
  • By: Ben Hitch

The Top Hat To Your Bristles. It should be one of the first things you do in the morning and one of the last before you’re off to Never Never Land. And a lot can be said about someone’s dental hygiene… the perception of where one may sit on the totem pole of society, personal care and frankly, a pearly white smile is just flat out sexy—sorry Austin. There are thirty-two chompers, give or take, per jaw and hundreds of options to keep them clean and healthy. Each tube has relatively the same formula of a mild abrasive, humectants (it keeps your paste from getting gummy), flavoring and thickening agents and a detergent—not the one you clean your clothes with, it’s more along the lines of giving you the rabid dog appearance. And with any grouping, there are sure be a few standouts.

 

The OG

 

Botot

Considered the world’s first toothpaste, for none other than King Louis XV, Botot was and is the first true paste, straying away from earlier powders. The natural ingredients of gillyflower, ginger, and cinnamon provide a warming feeling to the mouth similar to that of a mouthful of Mike&Ike Hot Tamales. Dr. Botot’s original formula still lays the groundwork for the paste’s notoriety, with the addition of modern anti-plaque and anti-bacterial agents. You have to believe that if it’s been around since 1755 and was good enough for the king, that there is something special about it. And surely, it will help keep your crown shining.

BUY NOW / $15

 

The Billionaire’s Club

 

Theodent 300

Where there was a paste for the king, there is a tube for the billionaire’s club. The Theodent 300 demands the respect of the ADA and your checkbook as the most expensive paste on the market. We all know, the highest dollar value doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best. But when you pull this gold capped tube from your dopp kit, all will bend a knee. Why does it cost so much? Great question and if it was because of a chocolate extract, would you believe it? The trademarked compound rennou (renew) has a similar composition to that of caffeine but differs in its ability to rejuvenate and stimulate the growth of enamel. The branding screams exclusivity to the point that you might actually have to go to the dentist to buy it. And while you’re at it, you might want to pick up a tube-wringer to preserve the tube’s elegance. Gimmick or not, everyone will be in awe when they see you’re brushing with the Rolls Royce of ivory cleaners.

BUY NOW / $119

 

The Charcoal Activated

 

Caliwhite – Natures Whitening

Everything seems to be charcoal activated these days. Charcoal activated lattes, kombucha, a plethora of face remedies and why not, toothpaste. The Caliwhite is nature’s whitening toothpaste oozing from the tube, blacker than the depths Mariana’s Trench. The charcoal activation is a rebirth of ancient techniques with a touch of modern day technology and flavor. It’s hard to imagine something so black would ever render any hue of white, but here we are. It’s made in the U.S.A and has hints of peppermint oil to excite the taste buds. In the end, it’s a black tube of black paste binding together to fight off top tier stains to match that crisp white tee.

BUY NOW / $10

 

The Sustainable

 

Davids

Beyond clean and healthy teeth, Davids’ breaks it down to the three simple words, Nature – American – You. The paste is prided on sustainability with you, your health, and American prosperity in mind. The packaging is made from 100% renewable energy and the metal tube is recyclable—from and for NATURE. Nearly every aspect of the brand is locally sourced and 100% made in the U.S.—AMERICAN. And with no artificial sweeteners, flavors or coloring, it’s made only of the highest quality ingredients for—YOU. This is a brand and tube to place on top of the trophy case, and as you work your way through cleanings, it comes with a tube wringer to squeeze out all the goodness. And if you’re capable of padding your head and rubbing your belly simultaneously, Davids certainly deserves a pat on the back while you’re brushing away.

BUY NOW / $10

 

The Corner Store – Keep the Car Running

 

Crest Pro Health w/Scope

There will certainly be times when you need a tube in a hurry, to brush off the terrors of the night prior and the only store in a Bird’s reach, is the corner market. The Crest Pro Health is the quick answer paste that comes Missoula dentist recommended, to keep your tusks looking and feeling fresh. It’s got everything you need when time and budget are of the essence. And with the touch of scope, the forthcoming seven minutes in heaven partner will be stoked you made the effort and might ask the whereabouts of their suicide slurpee.

BUY NOW / $10

 

The Contemporary

 

Marvis

Generally speaking the tube does not stray far from the sink, medicine cabinet or dopp kit, but Marvis seems more at home in a contemporary museum. The flavors of jasmine, ginger and sea mist contrast between the exotic and surreal while presenting an everlasting freshness. Even the vibrant colors of the paste are no mistake as they appear to be happy accidents on the brush. It’s a celestial sensation that Marvis delivers to the palate by the unique prospect of offsetting the generic mint aroma. Simply, it’s a fashion forward show stopper that invokes curiosity.

BUY NOW / $11

 

The All Natural 

 

JĀSÖN Powersmile – Bamboo Powder

It would make sense to use an all natural product on any and all parts of your body, especially something as important as your teeth. JĀSÖN’s Powersmile is packed full of natural ingredients like grapefruit seed extract and of course, stevia rebaudiana, which I dare you to say three times fast. JĀSÖN promises the true lineup of non GMOs, no sulfates, no artificial colors, no animal byproducts or animal testing. Not to mention the major component of the long-standing formula is bamboo powder, which comes panda recommended to keep the fangs polished. Jokes aside, JĀSÖN’s botanical paste delivers a shimmering shine with hints of peppermint oil to give you that refreshed, give ‘em a kiss, breath.

BUY NOW / $14

 

Just Cool / Aesop

 

Aesop

Perfectly described as distinctively flavored, one of the leading ingredients in Aesop is wasabia japonica. Yes, you’re reading that correctly. This paste contains the same wasabi extract as your sashimi dinner’s favored, fiery accessory. It’s not going to cause you to raise the white flag and cry for help, but you will notice the mild spice coming as the bristles start grazing. And mixed with cardamom, anise, clove, and spearmint essential oils the contents of the tube will fight off the gnarliest of Seattle’s T-Moblie Park garlic fries. Before Aesop, it was a good two weeks before you could be within a hundred feet of anyone after those death-dealing breath taters—tasty as they were.

BUY NOW / $17

Ideally you’re brushing twice a day and certainly after every meal wouldn’t hurt either – for you and everyone you might encounter along the journey. And when choosing your tube, it’s just like studying up on that second pair of Air Force Ones. It will speak to your style, and the paste has to perform. Ask anyone out there, and they’ll tell you that one of the first things noticed is someone’s smile (maybe they’re lying because they don’t want to say ass). Don’t chance it, keep those chewers clean and healthy as you certainly don’t want to be dropping the dentures in the bedside water glass anytime soon. And don’t forget to floss.

“Behind every smile, there is teeth.” — Confucius

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