There is no beating around the bush, size definitely matters. Regardless of what she, he, they say, everyone is looking… and judging. You’re out in public, exposing yourself to any set of eyes that chooses or mistakenly looks in your direction, so you have to keep yourself in check.
You may be sipping on Pina Coladas by the pool, throwing a little disc on the beach or all lathered up with sudz slippin’ and sliding down a backyard watered tarp, yet everyone is still focused on the low strike zone between the knees and belly button. It would be nice if you could blame someone for what you showed up with, curse the spirals of genetics or even try to deter attention with a fresh trim, but this is all on you. You hopped online and picked out that swimsuit all on your own, and you have to suffer through the consequences. If you’d been smart, you would’ve done a little research and considered the aftermath of rockin’ an American flagged pair of cargo shorted trunks extending well beyond the knees. Today is lost, but tomorrow is a new day and a chance to come out swinging for the fences with a new swimsuit.
The Speedo… Nope, not even going to waste your time with this one. It doesn’t matter if your born, raised and still live near the French Riviera or thought it would be funny to show up leaving nothing to the imagination, the speedo is meant to be swimming laps, nothing more – nothing less. Can you honestly think of a time anyone has ever looked good in a speedo?
The 5.5″/ Chubbies: The Radstels (Modern Trunk)
This is about as short as you should want to go. At 5 ½ inches it will still show some serious man thigh, rippling quads, if you got em, and give the sense that you’re in tune with modern-day swim fashion – which funny enough, is quite retro. The Chubbies Radstels have all the modern features of style, hybrid fabrics, a stretch mesh liner, button waist and fly and just like dad used to wear, 5 ½ inches of patterned glory. And yes the name Chubbies will spark a little laughter, but even after a long day body surfing and poolside antics, you’ll be Rad stel.
The 6″/ Orlebar Brown – The Standard
A hair longer and a little classier, the Orlebar Brown trunks are for Sunday Funday Miami rooftop bottle service. They are going to show off enough skin as not to let your hard work in the gym over the winter months go unnoticed while presenting the persona that you’ve got more than a Benjamin or two stuffed away in the ‘ticket’ pocket. The Standard separates itself from its ugly cousin, the Costco Kirkland denim waistband, with a tailored fit and half-elasticated band. The cut is clean, the pockets are where they need to be and with a little red flare on the drawstring, The Standards draw just the right amount of attention.
The 7.5″ / Onia-Theo
Color blocks are simple and an easy way to say, “hey, I’m hot to touch but I ain’t no Chotchkie’s flair mongrel.” At 7 ½ inches, the Onia Theo is bridging the gap between the too short and the too long with two heat-sealed pockets. Hopefully, it goes without saying that the pockets are not waterproof, but positioned on the backside and down low on the left, they add a few stylie accents to the trunks. The Theos will look solid in or out of the water and nicely double as short for a romp in the park.
The 8″/ Mollusk Surf – Pennant Trunks
Seems right to name your brand after an invertebrate living in aquatic or damp habitats. The Pennant Trucks certainly don’t have any rigidity in their relaxed fit and when you’ve got them on you’ll be swimming along happily in the cotton/nylon hybrid that is both quick drying and as soft as weathered ‘pennant’ hanging in PNC Park. The back pocket is conveniently placed on the lower leg, leaving your rump well exposed for anyone trying to grab a glimpse while keeping sus llaves away from your derriere. Either way, the Pennant Trucks are suited for the adventure from surf to bar stool to the bedroom floor.
The 9″ / United By Blue – Stillwater
Short is the new norm and 9 inches is the new long. The United By Blue Stillwater is for the first days of summer as you reintroduce your pasty skin back into the sunshine. Patterned with waves to excite their surroundings, the Stillwater board shorts fall just above the knee – the furthest point in the universe any inseam should travel. With a single pocket on the right cheek, these UBB’s are streamlined for the escapades in the sand and chlorine while never sacrificing comfort or performance. They are United By Blue in the not so Stillwater.
A swimsuit, trunks, bathing suit, jammers, ocean briefs, puddle jumpers, swimmers, formerly one-piece and board shorts come in a plethora of sizes, fabrics, and patterns but they all serve the same purpose—to hide your goodies from the outside world while you frolic in proximity to some form of the H2O. Some will look better poolside than they do covered in sand and others will evoke style well over functionality, and if you spend a vast majority of your summer days near or in the water, you’re going to need a couple of pairs. Treat yourself and pick a few… one that will ride the waves, a pair that looks good with a cocktail in hand and a pair that will probably never touch the water, as long as they are really, really, really ridiculously good looking.
There is really only one thing to keep in mind as you go on the search for your new pair of trunks, if you can’t see your knees, put them back on the hanger. Leave them for Bobby Joe because he’ll need a fresh a pair for the family reunion to the Dells. And of course, remember to wait two hours after eating before taking a splash.
Don’t you dare step foot out of the house in a pair of double cargo pocketed trunks
Pockets are important, be sure that your suit has one zippered pocket
Patterns are okay, but keep it simple. Don’t parade around in a wearable Magic Eye
Remember wearing briefs under your suit back in the day, those days are gone
“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns